:: Silence ::
Sunday, May 21, 2006
:: Breathless and blogging ::
:: Satisfaction ::
Sunday, May 14, 2006
:: Stubborn ol' me ::
Friday, May 12, 2006
:: I'm at peace with myself ::
5:51 AM
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When I went clubbing the other day, two things struck me; I realised how utterly ignorant and prejudiced I was towards the clubbing crowd when I was younger and also how much more mature they could be compared to stuffy conservatives. As was expected of a non-smoker and non-drinker, all I could do was sit around and observe the people around me or get up and shake my sober a**. Haha pardon the language. Anyway, I noticed that the people around me were not just guzzling booze and smoking, they were also socialising. And I don't mean it in the hitting-on-pretty-girl/guy-hoping-for-a-one-night-stand type, I mean socialising SOCIALISING...like, mingling around, NETWORKING...in a totally polite, decent, non-obscene way. Totally unlike the image I had in my head all these while. And these were people who relied on networking and having lots of contacts to advance in their career. What a great way to relax and benefit from it at the same time! I was really enjoying myself observing people when I was rudely interrupted by a guy. Oh well, I guess there is still some truth in my old perception of things after all.
11:00 AM
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I've been thinking long and hard about my newfound satisfaction. The myriad of things and events which has brought me to this state of utter contentedness where I can just sit for hours smiling to myself like an idiot, emotionally filled up to the brim, like I'm stuffed with a spiritual buffet. I think it's pretty obvious (you might have already gone DUH!!! at this point) that nothing other than God can bring such satisfaction but in order to quantify and rationalise why I should be feeling this way, I tried counting my blessings.
1. BJ and Tyler won The Amazing Race!!! Haha okok, this was totally an 'in the moment' thing, it'll fade away
On a more serious note,
1. I have a loving, supportive family
2. I have hugely supportive, wonderful friends who also happen to be hugely amusing
3. I have eccentric lecturers to laugh over nah jk...the lecturers are amazingly nice and helpful and this brings me to
4. I am so thankful I'm doing medicine...it's just sooooo the right profession and am loving every moment of it
5. I have really cute pink stuff (haha). Seriously, it's almost embarrassing how I go out with a pink bag stuffed with a pink purse, pink handphone cover and pink iPod cover AND pink shoes, skirt, top, earrings, hair accessory and bracelet. Uhhh...a living walking classic old Barbie without the perfectly-proportioned body.
6. Ahhh...my favourite number...to list all my favourite things; dancing, music and musicals!!!
When I sit and think of how Jesus suffered for us on the cross, it seemed almost unforgivable for me to be enjoying all these luxuries. However, I'm sure He wants me to be happy lol...but seriously, enjoying His presence is more than enough. I cannot stress how important it was for me to have Him back in my life. With this satisfaction came a realisation that all the things listed above are almost insignificant and so trivial. Without Him, I wasn't able to fully appreciate my blessings. There was still that hunger and dissatisfaction and the constant seeking for something or someone to cling onto. I have no regrets though, even after going through all that for if I had not, I wouldn't have achieved so much. If I hadn't pursued dancing and music to satisfy and occupy myself, I wouldn't have gained so much knowledge. If I hadn't sought out friends to lean and depend on, I wouldn't have discovered such wonderful people. And if I hadn't clung so tightly on to him, I wouldn't have known that it was possible for a person to love me enough to want to see me through the darkness and help me out of it.
This reminds me of the Mitch Albom book, Five People You Meet In Heaven or something like that. If I had to choose which people played an important role in my life, I wouldn't be able to. It seems like everyone did. I remember reading somewhere about 'guest stars' in one's life. These are people who come and go but leave a lasting impression or made a difference (however slight) in our lives. They do not necessarily have to be someone we see every day or for a significant amount of time. It could just be the lady selling egg tarts in the market, a man on the bus or someone lining up behind you at the ATM machine. You might just see them once in your life, but something they did or said made a difference. I realise this to be true. One's perception can easily change through observation of other people.
6:50 AM
***********
I'm as determined as ever with every s***ty thing thrown my way (pardon the language). Although, being a girl, I still do cry silently to myself at times (thank goodness no more depression and overwhelming feelings) I refuse to budge when it comes to defending my rights. Yeah, so you can bully me but I won't show you my tears (only to myself lol). So bring it on, world, I'll be there ready to put up a fight! Thumbs down to injustice and lack of compassion!
7:16 AM
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After all the emotional turmoil and illnesses I had to grapple with, after all the soul searching and depressive episodes, the questions are finally answered. And I'm thankful. I'm strong, and I have made through it, and no one can convince me otherwise. No one can bring me down anymore (unless I'm wrong then I gotta apologise, of course lol...). I've finally come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard you strive, there are still a few people (maybe even those you care about) who are going to constantly doubt you and feel your efforts are inadequate, insufficient or even think you are not putting any effort into improving your situation. The key I guess is to pull yourself away from such negativities and tell yourself you ARE doing well. After all, who knows best your own progress but yourself?
I'm especially strangely thankful that I have actually gone through all I have. No point regretting now. God works in mysterious ways and there is always a reason behind everything. Am feeling quite apathetic at the moment, being detached from any form of emotion...and all around me, I see people going through tough times and I think, 'Wow, I was there once and what a mess I was and look how far I've come. How can I ever doubt myself?' Without God, none of this is possible. Without God's grace, I never would have gotten Grace's wisdom. Hehe...Grace Chew, thanx!!! And Siaw's many many meaningful old proverbs (I have no idea where he gets them from).
So now, with this calmness of mind and inner peace, I'm ready to embark on a new chapter in my life, with a new love......God.
7:59 PM
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