Random thoughts

In Therapy

2009-01-25T20:46:00.001-08:00

I was in therapy again yesterday. Retail therapy. *snicker* Music therapy, dance therapy, substance therapy...so many reasons to celebrate. Sometimes keeping a set of priorities will find you narrowing your mind in the attempt to focus completely on said priorities. Concentrating on the minute details on how things should be done makes you forget how the big picture is like. Obsessing over every word that was said, every action that was made and every event that occurred, makes you feel silly once you take a step back and realise that is but one iota of your entire existence and that it doesn't really matter because the next mistake is waiting to happen and you are definitely not going to pile them one on top of the other so you might as well let it go now. I have no need to convince myself of how I am feeling at the moment, because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I am satisfied.

Stardust

2009-01-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

And now the purple dusk of twilight time
Steals across the meadows of my heart
High up in the sky the little stars climb
Always reminding me that were apart

Sometimes I wonder why I spend
The lonely nights
Dreaming of a song
The melody haunts my reverie
And I am once again with you
When our love was new, and each kiss an inspiration
But that was long ago, and now my consolation
Is in the stardust of a song.
Beside the garden wall, when stars are bright
You are in my arms
The nightingale tells his fairy tale
Of paradise where roses grew

Finding your comfort zone...and staying in it?

2009-01-23T03:13:00.000-08:00

Man is a complex creature. Or is he? I personally think it isn't too hard to understand the wills and wants of a person if u keep a few simple rules in mind. Basically, all humans are created equal, whether we admit it or not. It's just the way we project or reel in any resource to achieve what we desire. Then there's the inner voice/conscience. In this, I believe there is no perfect balance. You are either meaner than you are nice or vice versa. Seriously. Here's how you can probably tell which one dominates. If someone hurts you, do you immediately think of ways to harm the person in return? Then you're probably more deceitful than you are forgiving. That's pretty elementary. But then again, there's the issue of does the feeling of guilt override the harmful intent soon thereafter? If it doesn't, then you're beyond irredeemable. And that's only my opinion. Worse still, if you happen to be in a profession where people's lives are in your hands and a simple push can find you drawing a lethal drug dose or withdrawing adequate treatment just to get even with a helpless individual, then you should not even be within a 100km radius from the next person.

Would you keep a worn out old couch, weathered by time but so comfortable and familiar or have a sleek new designer sofa that you know will get stolen if your house was broken in?
Another thing that comes to mind is man's need for change. Nature is designed in such a way that change is necessary but not necessarily easily adaptable. How many of us have found ourselves stuck in the same routine and situation time and time again that it fails to have any meaning to us anymore? That the people who have been beside us for years have begun to pale in comparison to those we have just met? How can it be that we can abandon those who have stuck with us through thick and thin for someone so temporary yet seem so exciting in the short time that we have known them? And despite that, we find it so hard to accept the change that at any slight hint of trouble or rejection, we leave...only to return to our trusty couch. Will we settle for second best with all the inadequacies that have failed to satisfy us over the years or take a chance to find one that can fulfill said inadequacies? Personally, it is a hard decision to make to leave a situation so familiar, predictable, safe and secure only to jump into something so uncertain and something that leaves us so open and vulnerable. How many of us are content to be cosily nestled in our comfort zone and how many of us are ready to take up a challenge?

Revival

2009-01-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

re.viv.al \ri-ˈvī-vəl\1: an act or instance of reviving : the state of being revived: as a: renewed attention to or interest in something b: a new presentation or publication of something old

Reactivation, rebirth, renaissance, renascence, renewal, resurgence, resurrection, resuscitation, revitalisation, revivification

Change. All of life as I know it is changing. At this juncture, I feel it is as apt a time as any for a revival of this long-forgotten blog and a renewal of my faith and hope in life; that things can finally go right and happiness is but a thought away and not a fulfillment of idealistic dreams and near-unattainable goals. Here's to a more simplistic view of life and many lessons in letting go...only for continuous renewal and rebirth.

The Fall of Man

2009-01-16T17:21:00.000-08:00

"Accuse not nature, she hath done her part;
Do thou but thine, and be not diffident
Of wisdom, she deserts thee not, if thou
Dismiss not her, when most thou needest her nigh,
By attributing overmuch to things
Less excellent, as thou thyself perceivest"
John Milton

"I hold it true,what'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
Alfred Lord Tennyson

A Belated New Year Post

2009-01-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

“Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true”
Alfred Lord Tennyson

Belated indeed. So belated that I have forgotten most of what I have wanted to put in writing...but at least still have a vague idea of the gist of it.

With the new year came a new realisation; but first, the thought that led to that realisation...as everyone sobered up post-Christmas celebration, new resolutions and promises were made and proudly published on every conceivable (online) medium available; Facebook, MSN personal messages, blogs etc. Which made me think...why has it been such a long time since I had last made my own New Year resolutions? Thinking back, I honestly can't remember the last time I made any...even if I did, it would have been the same one year after year; study more, pray more, go to church even more...then came the realisation I'm no longer a student. Just a year ago, we were all still enjoying the privileges of being a medical student; freedom to be a little irresponsible, a little lazy and best of all, a little playful. It's still so hard to believe that we've made that transition into working life so soon and the five years seem to have just slipped from our grasp (regrettably) so quickly. So what changes? New goals, new resolutions, a different focus in life. The career path is no longer looming ahead of us, we have already started our journey, like it or not. Even on the domestic front, those with stable relationships are contemplating marriage.

Personally, I do not believe in making resolutions. In the viewpoint of a procrastinator, short-term goals seem to be a more effective way of getting things done. The very thought of having a whole year to fulfill your resolutions just gives you a good excuse to keep putting things off for 'later'. Plus, the benefit of having short-term goals is that you can keep on changing them as you progress, thus achieving more in the same amount of time. It's like giving yourself a whole day to climb up a step as opposed to giving yourself a minute to climb that step and another to climb the next one. And the whole beauty of this is that you can even modify your goal to suit the situation. Thus begins another year without resolutions, long-term goals or expectations...here's to living in the here and now!

"Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account."
Oscar Wilde

It's the holidays!

2006-06-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yup. It's the holidays...my very first in clinical school. Nothing big, just a short one-week break, and I already miss Seremban. Ironically. First day of holiday and I long to be in the hospital haha...

For the past few weeks, it was study study study. Or at least for me, it was 'trying to study, threatening myself to study, promise to reward myself if I study...'...anything to make me study! Lol...all the while chatting up my housemate who has endless books incessantly glued to her face. Oh well...it takes a lot to come back to the discipline I had when I was in semester one! Semester one...the only time in my life where I studied hard and played hard. Despite my lack of discipline, at least I can be thankful I had a sweet ending to the posting before starting my short break; lecturer actually acknowledging I've got pretty good marks. Yay! Oh yeah, we haven't got our results yet. Thus the excitement, you see...

Now, what's next? Surgery's next. Time to assess our stamina and patience standing for hours in the OT. Hmmm...wonder if I can still do my sleeping-while-standing trick...Making a resolution to study REAL hard in surgery...soon to be broken, no doubt, but heck, I'll resolve anyway.

Silence

2006-05-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

I'm strangely quiet today. Pensive and brooding, with many thoughts running through my head. Thoughts that could have been disturbing and have me highly agitated if I was the girl that I was three months ago. Now I just feel mildly melancholic and strangely calm. Tears that should have been shed would not come. Just simply because there was no reason to. Guess rationality overtook my past emotional fragility and vulnerability. Yet I feel uneasy...this transition is something new but not necessarily bad for me. In fact, I think it is pretty good. But will I become this apathetic, unfeeling person after all this? I feel quite incapable of anger and sadness. It's like a mild tingling sensation compared to say, hemiparesis or complete paralysis? Lol...medical terms again. I would give anything right now to be able to cry just once and let it all out. Any suggestions?

Breathless and blogging

2006-05-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

Here I am, at 2.00 in the morning all breathless and sweaty, blogging. I would have to be absolutely bored before I start blogging last time but now...seems like a good release. So here I am, in the midst of a mild asthma attack, blogging. Why? Cause I'm too breathless to do anything else.

When I went clubbing the other day, two things struck me; I realised how utterly ignorant and prejudiced I was towards the clubbing crowd when I was younger and also how much more mature they could be compared to stuffy conservatives. As was expected of a non-smoker and non-drinker, all I could do was sit around and observe the people around me or get up and shake my sober a**. Haha pardon the language. Anyway, I noticed that the people around me were not just guzzling booze and smoking, they were also socialising. And I don't mean it in the hitting-on-pretty-girl/guy-hoping-for-a-one-night-stand type, I mean socialising SOCIALISING...like, mingling around, NETWORKING...in a totally polite, decent, non-obscene way. Totally unlike the image I had in my head all these while. And these were people who relied on networking and having lots of contacts to advance in their career. What a great way to relax and benefit from it at the same time! I was really enjoying myself observing people when I was rudely interrupted by a guy. Oh well, I guess there is still some truth in my old perception of things after all.

Satisfaction

2006-05-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

Now shall I start this blog with a dictionary definition of satisfaction? Nah...think I shall count the ways in which I'm satisfied instead. Not as boring...

I've been thinking long and hard about my newfound satisfaction. The myriad of things and events which has brought me to this state of utter contentedness where I can just sit for hours smiling to myself like an idiot, emotionally filled up to the brim, like I'm stuffed with a spiritual buffet. I think it's pretty obvious (you might have already gone DUH!!! at this point) that nothing other than God can bring such satisfaction but in order to quantify and rationalise why I should be feeling this way, I tried counting my blessings.

1. BJ and Tyler won The Amazing Race!!! Haha okok, this was totally an 'in the moment' thing, it'll fade away
On a more serious note,

1. I have a loving, supportive family
2. I have hugely supportive, wonderful friends who also happen to be hugely amusing
3. I have eccentric lecturers to laugh over nah jk...the lecturers are amazingly nice and helpful and this brings me to
4. I am so thankful I'm doing medicine...it's just sooooo the right profession and am loving every moment of it
5. I have really cute pink stuff (haha). Seriously, it's almost embarrassing how I go out with a pink bag stuffed with a pink purse, pink handphone cover and pink iPod cover AND pink shoes, skirt, top, earrings, hair accessory and bracelet. Uhhh...a living walking classic old Barbie without the perfectly-proportioned body.
6. Ahhh...my favourite number...to list all my favourite things; dancing, music and musicals!!!

When I sit and think of how Jesus suffered for us on the cross, it seemed almost unforgivable for me to be enjoying all these luxuries. However, I'm sure He wants me to be happy lol...but seriously, enjoying His presence is more than enough. I cannot stress how important it was for me to have Him back in my life. With this satisfaction came a realisation that all the things listed above are almost insignificant and so trivial. Without Him, I wasn't able to fully appreciate my blessings. There was still that hunger and dissatisfaction and the constant seeking for something or someone to cling onto. I have no regrets though, even after going through all that for if I had not, I wouldn't have achieved so much. If I hadn't pursued dancing and music to satisfy and occupy myself, I wouldn't have gained so much knowledge. If I hadn't sought out friends to lean and depend on, I wouldn't have discovered such wonderful people. And if I hadn't clung so tightly on to him, I wouldn't have known that it was possible for a person to love me enough to want to see me through the darkness and help me out of it.

This reminds me of the Mitch Albom book, Five People You Meet In Heaven or something like that. If I had to choose which people played an important role in my life, I wouldn't be able to. It seems like everyone did. I remember reading somewhere about 'guest stars' in one's life. These are people who come and go but leave a lasting impression or made a difference (however slight) in our lives. They do not necessarily have to be someone we see every day or for a significant amount of time. It could just be the lady selling egg tarts in the market, a man on the bus or someone lining up behind you at the ATM machine. You might just see them once in your life, but something they did or said made a difference. I realise this to be true. One's perception can easily change through observation of other people.

Stubborn ol' me

2006-05-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

What is it about me and my stubbornness? My constant need to challenge and prove my worth. It ain't easy being a girl in this world lol...and it's even harder when people constantly doubt your abilities. Thank God I'm born with this stubbornness or I'll be dead by now. It is not necessarily a bad thing to have this pretty-unattractive trait you know, if you really think about it. Pushing on without fail, looking at situations in all perspectives, 'attacking from every angle' will pretty much get you up where you want to be.

I'm as determined as ever with every s***ty thing thrown my way (pardon the language). Although, being a girl, I still do cry silently to myself at times (thank goodness no more depression and overwhelming feelings) I refuse to budge when it comes to defending my rights. Yeah, so you can bully me but I won't show you my tears (only to myself lol). So bring it on, world, I'll be there ready to put up a fight! Thumbs down to injustice and lack of compassion!

I'm at peace with myself

2006-05-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I've felt any form of inner peace. To be able to sit down and be satisfied, calm and contented although my life isn't going too great. So what if it isn't great? At least it's GOOD :P

After all the emotional turmoil and illnesses I had to grapple with, after all the soul searching and depressive episodes, the questions are finally answered. And I'm thankful. I'm strong, and I have made through it, and no one can convince me otherwise. No one can bring me down anymore (unless I'm wrong then I gotta apologise, of course lol...). I've finally come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard you strive, there are still a few people (maybe even those you care about) who are going to constantly doubt you and feel your efforts are inadequate, insufficient or even think you are not putting any effort into improving your situation. The key I guess is to pull yourself away from such negativities and tell yourself you ARE doing well. After all, who knows best your own progress but yourself?

I'm especially strangely thankful that I have actually gone through all I have. No point regretting now. God works in mysterious ways and there is always a reason behind everything. Am feeling quite apathetic at the moment, being detached from any form of emotion...and all around me, I see people going through tough times and I think, 'Wow, I was there once and what a mess I was and look how far I've come. How can I ever doubt myself?' Without God, none of this is possible. Without God's grace, I never would have gotten Grace's wisdom. Hehe...Grace Chew, thanx!!! And Siaw's many many meaningful old proverbs (I have no idea where he gets them from).

So now, with this calmness of mind and inner peace, I'm ready to embark on a new chapter in my life, with a new love......God.

Post-med

2006-04-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

I felt God's presence.

Last night, I finally felt God's presence after such a long period of emptiness and loneliness. The past two years have been the best and worst of my life. Best because I did what I loved best; medicine, worst because I went through the most tumultuous two years anyone could have gone through. Total emotional rollercoaster turned wreckage.

Like they say, God works best in our weaknesses. His ability is emphasised in our disabilities. The void in my heart cannot possibly be filled by anyone else other than God. Why did it take me so long to realise this? Don't you think 22 years is a little too long lol...Anyway, after searching at all the wrong places, I realised that no one can give me the same satisfaction and warmth that God can. No relationship and friendship can offer you the same amount of love that He can. No one can stick by you and guide you so faithfully like God can. No one is as reliable as God. During these few months, I realised many things. I realised I kept things close for comfort, afraid to let go. Things that were my undoing. Things that, if I kept any longer, would have made me self-destruct. Haha, maybe not THAT serious, but most probably somewhere along that line.
I also realised I lost my ability to write. Really. After all those years of short forms and Manglish gibberish, I lost my ability to write in perfectly good English. I find myself grappling for the most suitable word to use. Gosh, if my Scrabble skills were to reflect my writing...
And now, am talking in Malay-Cantonese-broken English mumbo jumbo in the hospital wards. Haha...it's amusing to watch the patients' expression. Oh, that brings me to the other thing I realised for the past 2 months. I love being in the wards!!! =) Shall blog again when my English improves :P

I am not as bad as I think I am

2005-06-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Isn't it weird that you can be the epitome of modestness and yet

When people call you stupid, you get offended
When someone says you are good for nothing, you find all these reasons why you aren't and bark it back at them
When people call you fat, you grit your teeth and glare at them
When someone questions your decisions, you'd be more inclined to stand your ground
When people are doubtful of your capabilities, you step up and prove them wrong
When someone says you aren't attractive, you cock your head, lift your chin and say "I know people who think I am"

I am the perfect picture of ambivalence. "I'll never pass this exam." "Whaaat??? An A-??? Gahhh...I can do better than this."

What about you?

Dementia?

2005-06-16T03:50:00.000-07:00

Woops...forgot to continue the previous blog. Oh,well...sitting here, waiting for a burst of inspiration can be a pretty taxing experience quite akin to sitting in front of the television waiting for a nice programme to finally come on. TV really sucks nowadays. Lol...do I complain everytime I blog? Seems like it. Am a bitter, utterly bored to frustration 'young' female adult wishing for a better life than the blank page of an unwritten blog on a computer screen. Ahhh...

Post-KKB exhaustion and rural town appreciation

2005-06-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

I love night walks. There's something about the night air that just cannot compare with mornings, afternoons, evenings etc. And the quiet...especially if you were walking in a neighbourhood nestled in the border of a rural town, surrounded by hills and oh, the night breeze...just heavenly. At least an attempt to spy a few stars managed to bring up a few, unlike in the city. Ahhh...coming back to the city has its drawbacks. No opportunity to stroll along at night, alone with my thoughts, enjoying the peace and quiet of the night.

Enough of that though. Ahhh...I'll blog again when I think of something.

Voice of boredom

2005-04-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

You know what cracks me up? People who call your house phone and the first thing they ask is 'eih, where're u?' It's so typically Malaysian. And of course there's the ever distinguishable (picking up the phone only to be greeted by this) low, growly 'This is the voice of God'. Hey, God doesn't sound like that. He doesn't sound like a phone sex operator trying to sell not only his voice, but his body as well. Haha, so quit it, P.

So what's this blogging business about anyways? Why blog? Post-repro boredom. Darn the inclusion of the AIR topic into the SAQs. Still suffering from exam-pressure withdrawal symptoms. Time to expand energy to more lucrative activities like......shopping? Uh.

Tune of the day : That I would be good

Of microbes and yoga

2004-04-13T02:37:00.000-07:00

yeahhh...so ppl ask y no posts since the 1st (lousy) one...dun u noe??? it's crap tryin' 2 memorise microbe names...gives u a headache...so does yoga. *grin*
one...two...three...four...hold two...three...four...out...two...three...four...REAAADDYYY...
brrr!!!

2004-04-13T02:00:00.000-07:00

Current weather : almost raining...*rumble* *rumble* *roar* but no rain...gah!
Current addiction : If I Was The One - Ruff Endz, Start All Over - Kula Shaker, curry mee and Colin Firth
Current state : Overwhelmed by bacteriology, virology, mycology, parasitology wha...?

Baghhh.

Very First Post

2004-03-24T06:11:00.000-08:00

hmmm...my pioneer post in a blog...am too tired to think of anything, though...ohhh,well...welcome, whoever!!!